dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
