hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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