That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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