yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I hate all girls vehemently.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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