Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize