why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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