My nipple is on Facebook.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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