Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
