normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
