Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
