Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
