I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
whose parrot is this?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
