I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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