Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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