Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
