Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
