theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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