I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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