1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
