Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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