I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
