We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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