the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
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