Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
