i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
