You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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