I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
