we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just invented taco cereal.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Randomize
