Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
