she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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