life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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