Why is your signature on my underwear?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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