Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It's never too late to be topless.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
