Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
