You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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