Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm passing your future prison.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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