I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
