I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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