I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The power of my boobs compel you
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
