You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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