So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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