apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
COCAINE IS GR8
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
