I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
