Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
