how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize