it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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