I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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