That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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