and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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