cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize