Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize