How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
