what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
