I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
