I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
