It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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