after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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