There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
