i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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