I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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