I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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