i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
