My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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