Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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