3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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