Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
