I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
