Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
