I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
