I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
