How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
