The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize