I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
