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• (440): View more from Ohio

  I love you

  (720): View more from Colorado

  are you drunk

  (440): View more from Ohio

  yes but I def love you, we should get married

  (720): View more from Colorado

  But I'm Jewish

  (440): View more from Ohio

  embrace Jesus

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.

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• (812): View more from Indiana

  dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.

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• (440): View more from Ohio

  Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?

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• (818): View more from California

  Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party

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• (417): View more from Missouri

  She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.

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• (734): View more from Michigan

  They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.

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• (903): View more from Texas

  As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.

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• (440): View more from Ohio

  I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.

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• (801): View more from Utah

  My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".

  (801): View more from Utah

  Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.

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• (870): View more from Arkansas

  My boob is missing a layer of skin

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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.

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• (337): View more from Louisiana

  Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.

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• (646): View more from New York

  I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.

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• (214): View more from Texas

  she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything

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