DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
