It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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