i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
