69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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